Christmas

The end of Christmas for this year has come. All in all it was a pretty good one. Nice presents lots of family time, but I still felt like something was lacking. I feel like sometimes you just go through the motions in life so no one can see the underlying pain. This year went by and I feel a huge feeling of loss. I shouldn't because I have many family members still alive and I am able to talk to and see, but the 3 people I have lost were some of the top 3 people a person could lose in life and with last year's passing of my Grandfather I feel these deaths more deeply than I did before. I feel like I lost a part of myself that I can never get back. My Mother and my maternal grandparents were very important in my life and it has been a haze since they have passed, especially with my Grandfather's passing. No matter how many years go by I will miss them and feel a part of me is not complete. I never got the chance to fully live out that relationship I was supposed to have with them. I feel as if life cheated me that chance to fulfill those relationships and connections.

Another holiday season

Yet another holiday season goes by and I hate working retail! You really see the true colors of people when you work retail during Christmas. No manners, disgusting habits and just an utter contempt with society. Christmas presents should be quality not quantity or dollar amount. You are supposed to convey your feelings for that person with a heartfelt gift not the most expensive gift. This year I have spent very little on gifts but each of those gifts is something I know that person will enjoy, and will hopefully think fondly of me when they use/watch/read their gifts. I worked Black Friday yet again this year, and the stupidity of people amazes me sometimes. For instance, when an item is a "special buy" and is only being offered until all quantities are sold out don't ask for rainchecks because once we are sold out of the item we are sold out hence why they were a "special buy" and dont come 3 days later asking if that item is still in stock or has a raincheck available...it was a Black Friday special deal! Ugh, shoppers!

Time

It never ceases to amaze me how fast time goes by when you are busy. The quarter is almost over and yet it seems like just yesterday it had begun. I can't wait for a month off from school to just focus on work and household things. For example I can keep up on laundry and having it folded and put away, or the kitchen can be fully clean for once including the dining room table! I look forward to these because it makes me feel like a better wife. Being so busy during the school year these things fall to wayside. This year I am looking forward to Christmas because we will actually have our own tree!! I can't wait, I can now hang up our few ornaments we have received..which is quite exciting! It is kind of weird that it has been almost a full year that my Grandfather has been dead now, I still have his numbers in my phone even though if I were to call them someone else would probably have those numbers. I look forward to another holiday season but also dread them because a lot of heartache come with them going through them without some of the people I have loved the most in my life. I think maybe this December I will hang up all the pictures and posters to complete the house so that it seems like people actually live in the house and care! I guess that is all I wanted to post today.

October strikes again

I never really understand it, but when October hits I turn into some other person. I turn into the person that is still grieving. I cry more than I care to, I get upset over so many little things, and I think of my Mom over and over and over and over. I want one year to pass and not really even realize that October hit and was done with, I want one year that passes that I do not grieve for her again. 15 years! One would think that the grieving process would be over with by now, but I think with a loss like that it takes more time, or maybe I am just not ready to say goodbye. I sometimes get weird dreams that she is still alive, like earlier this month I dreamt she was still alive which was good, until the dream took a turn for the worse, and she died so I relived her death again. I will most likely write a lot this month because I really miss her this year.

Friends or not so much

So I had an inspiration for a blog. Took a while. So I am slowly going through and deleting stuff that I have bookmarked throughout the years and old emails..and low and behold I come across some old ex-friends webpages, and it just made me think about what a joke that friendship was and how hurt I have been over that rift. I like to think that I am a nice person, a good friend, and a caring person, so for someone to just cut me out after 1 remark is quite shocking. So I will recount all that occurred with these couple of friendships that went sour.

I don't tend to have a very large circle of friends only because in the past I have been trampled by so-called "friends" and well I tend to guard my deepest self from all those people I acquaint myself with. Just because I tell you my life story does not mean that I am your friend I just like to talk and talk and talk. Those who are my real friends know my deepest fears, deepest secrets, and my true nature (which is a bizarre little bird) and they accept and love me for all my quirks.

Now I try to keep my temper in check and unfortunately only those whom I absolutely trust with my life have ever seen this temper. Sorry for you who see it, tis not a pretty beast to behold. So anyways most of my friends don't really incur the rath of Liz only because the best of friends just don't so lucky them.

So anyways once a long time ago I had a little group of friends the best being Ashley and Amy, now Amy and I are still the bestest of friends (almost sisters i feel) so this as you can guess is Ashley's story. Now I got married rather on the fly, which I would never change Tony has inspired me to be more than what I was and to finally finish up some growing up. Ashley and Amy, I thought would be quite involved with helping me with wedding stuff...Amy was very busy herself so really she became my friend that I called and talked to and went and hung out with when I needed a break from things....Ashley on the other hand I had asked if she would take pictures (I paid) because she has an artful eye, that was not much of a problem with her, but I had also asked her if she and her Mom could help me with my hair (trying to save money which, I was going to pay for this also) well when the time comes for me to get practiced on she, Ashley, is nowhere to be seen, won't answer her phone won't answer her texts and I waited an hour at her house, finally I left very very very very pissed....yes you can only guess the Liz-monster was wanting out. Now I didn't blow up at her I told her that what she did was crappy, and if she really didn't want to help then she could tell me and not waste my time...so I go home and at the time I was on a friendly basis with Ashley's fiance, Iain, and well I told him what was going on and how hurt I was and how I felt betrayed....this next conversation should have been a warning sign. I was told I was just overreacting and should have understood her side..what side...she had said she would help me and if she wasn't available she should have called (she was helping her new BFF/puppetmaster with her wedding cake topper) anyways I just kind of let it go and found a place to get my hair done..which did an amazing job..and so glad I went there instead anyways less stress. Ok so wedding goes by things were ok...after a while I had not heard from Ashley (she was planning her way overpriced wedding with her new BFF/puppetmaster as landlady/wedding planner) and I thought maybe she would want to hang out since I was a bridesmaid in her wedding...Ashley has no car so I told her I have a few errands to run and if she wanted to we could hang out but i needed to get errands done. So I go get her...she shows me ideas for bridesmaid dresses (not my taste but whatever i was going to do it for her) she shows me a few other things for the wedding (I am wondering where she is finding the money to throw this big event) I told her if she wanted help with some planning I could help her since i had an inexpensive wedding which i had thought turned out quite classy (classy is from the person not the money) anyways she told me she had things handled (she had new credit cards to put the stuff on) so off we go to get errands done and talk. I had to drop my ring off for cleaning and pick it up later after my errands were done...well we spent almost an hour in the jewelry store because Ashley was too busy getting talked into rings (mind you she already had one in her possession) I should have at this point just left her at the store but I just waited hoping she would not be selfish and tell the saleswomen no thank you. Silly me don't expect a selfish person to care for other's feelings. Well as you can guess I did not get most of my errands done actually I only got 2 out of 5 done (1 being the ring cleaning) So on the car ride back to drop her off I told her that next time if she wants to look please do it some other time...she didnt' really talk to me the rest of the time. So a day passes, then fiance Iain gets on to chat and find out how our excursion went and I told him very honestly how i felt and how i felt like i was being used...of course he defends her and tells me that i am overreacting and that I should just let it go. I told him that I needed to think and that i was going to talk to her and let her know really how I felt and also that I need to rethink the friendship. Well guess what happens, both of them unfriend me on facebook, myspace and then proceed to tell people that I no longer wanted to be in their wedding. I didn't find out about the wedding uninvite for a few weeks until a mutual friend (who has since been taken out of wedding also) asked me if I was alright with her taking my place in the wedding party....my reaction, "um what do you mean?" she told me that both Iain and Ashley had said that I no longer wanted to be in the wedding and that i was no longer their friend...NEWS TO ME!! So while she slams my name I write this out and maybe one day she may come across it after her divorce and cries herself to sleep...because I spent many a day crying over all this, just ask my husband. I still am hurt and will most likely never receive an apology or any explanation.

So now I leave for a wonderful vacation with a very dear friend, who I have made since all that had occurred.

Story of my life

I have decided that I will be writing a short story out on here..partially based on real life but with lots of fantasy wrapped in my life.

Life never seems to turn out what you expect. I had always planned that I would grow up to be a doctor, my parents would see me happily married with children by this time, but at 26 nothing was what I had planned out. Let me start from the beginning. I was the second born in my family my older brother was the prized child in the family, very cute and pudgy and well mannered even as a baby. I was the sleepy baby, that as I grew became more and more mischevious. I have a younger brother and sister who were so different from each other almost like night and day. My brother was a dark as dark can be always cunning and manipulative, my sister was as bright and happy as the sun itself. None of us looked alike but yet all of us put together resembled our parents. Growing up I had a great life doting parents, siblings that sometimes would get on my nerves but always fun to be around. Then it all changed right before I turned 10, the perfect life was taken away from me. Not just little things at a time, it was a shattered glass effect. All the pieces scattered and glass splinters stuck in fingers type of experience. One morning our mother is gone, disappeared from existence and nothing left behind except a few pictures. For my father this was a devastating event, he had found his soulmate, his other half, and with her disappearance half of my father also went missing. My siblings and I had to look out for ourselves. Taggart, the oldest was the new caretaker for us, very patiently he cooked, cleaned, and watched out for us late into the night as our father became more and more a shell of a human. Weylin, my younger brother took our mother's disappearance the hardest. He would have bouts of anger and depression, Taggart and I learned how to calm Weylin. After a time his tantrums eased, but not easily. Keeley, my sister, never really remembered our mother, even though she looks the most like her. My father had the hardest time with Keeley, when he would try to talk to her he saw our mother too much and could never have a full conversation. As the years would go by I noticed quirks with each of us, Taggart always seemed to have a calming influence on those around him, Weylin almost seemed as if his tempers controlled the weather, and Keeley had an affinity for animals.

ok enough for today...will come back and add on.

loans and what-not

I have been waiting to receive my loan money for about 2 months...they messed up several different things relating to me getting my loan money. First they, as in Wright State University, created a double account for me using my maiden name and married name so I had 2 different school accounts for 1 social all going back to me...this took a month to fix. Once that was all taken care of 2 weeks down the road I get a letter in the mail from the loan company stating they needed proof of my name change, so I had to gather some information and fax that all in....so now almost a week later, the funds are finally being dispersed! So much nonsense to deal with for such a simple task.

On the bright side, I have received my grades back, all my French classes 'As' easy at that but definitaley more enjoyable than organic chemistry which i passed but not with a good enough grade for me to take to pharmacy school so that will be a repeated class...boo!! I also went in to talk to an advisor and well I will be earning a B.A. in French with a minor in Psych...and take this all to Pharmacy school....I am thinking I will be transplanting myself and husband to overseas. Ah Bon Vacances. A bientot mes amis!!

Late at night

So I have been having problems sleeping, too much to do in my days, and not enough hours. I have started writing out things to help calm my mind, and hopefully get to sleep at an early time than what has been recently. This weekend was jammed full of things to do and next weekend also, so hopefully the weekend after that I can do a bit of relaxing after work instead. Tony this past weekend really stepped up his motivation and helped with cleaning around the house, I was completely surprised and very happy. Since he has hurt his back doing chores has been, well a chore, so I don't ask him to much of anything because he works so much. But of course the house kind of falls into looking like a pigsty and not having a dishwasher does not help our cause, dishes to clean by hand takes so long and can be quite tiring. So my hats off to all my family members who cleaned dishes by hand until the dawn of the dishwasher, how you did it every day is beyond me. (See statement before referring to tiring) So on to this next weekend, my brother and my niece are coming up for a visit. I have not seen my brother for years, and my niece I have never met, so this will be one fun filled adventure for me!! I really find that I am attracted more and more to the children. I guess my maternal clock is starting to tick, so I guess I shall have to deal and hit snooze for a bit of time, so that we can get settled a bit better than we are now. Baby+ car problems+ credit card debt+ school= a world of a headache for me, well and Tony too. I did figure out the best name for a girl and it has parts of both of our father's names in it...Joselyn Andrea. I was having a bad day, and driving to work this kind of just popped into my head, and it has been Tony-approved so that is even more exciting! Well for when we have a child, that name will be there for a girl (which Tony is positive we won't have). So I am finally getting a bit droopy-eyed and I think I can call it a night.

July

Another month passed by so quickly. So I am now officially 24, YIKES!! I feel like I have really done nothing in the years that I have lived. I mean I am still in school, still working at a job that has nothing to do with my field of learning, still have so much debt to pay off, still lazy. I thought when I would hit this age I would have degree or at least be working towards finishing a medical degree and I am nowhere close for that, which is just something I am not happy about, but I did do it to myself. And the job, what can I say, I am not going into retail so to me I feel like I am just playing at work. The credit card debt, ugh, that seems never ending. I work all these hours, and my money goes into just paying a bit down on the credit cards, where it all goes I have no clue, I am not really managing our money that much, I get to frustrated with it all. Oh yeah that laziness haha yeah I don't even feel like doing anything about that, just too tired from work and school and I just don't to clean or study some days, like now...I am wasting time on here, when there is clothing to be put away, clothing to fold, weeds I could go pull, exercising that needs to be done...I just don't know. I guess I am just hitting a rut in the road which hopefully I can fill in and get over soon.

June..many brides to be

So June thought of as the bridal month by so many...I almost chose to be married in June, but in the end I decided on a shorter route and April was the destined month. Looking back at it now April fits best, not many birthdays no graduations just me and my anniversary..so no one has any excuses to forget me! Yes a bit selfish but my wedding my anniversary date, so mine! It also made my husbands life easier, we married on his nephews birthday...so 2 dates he would have had to remember now into 1...yes i make lives easier, hardyharrharr. But in all honestly, April works great not too hot not too cold, may get rain, but most likely pretty flowers everything green and well it makes for beautiful pictures every year to send to people!!