October strikes again

I never really understand it, but when October hits I turn into some other person. I turn into the person that is still grieving. I cry more than I care to, I get upset over so many little things, and I think of my Mom over and over and over and over. I want one year to pass and not really even realize that October hit and was done with, I want one year that passes that I do not grieve for her again. 15 years! One would think that the grieving process would be over with by now, but I think with a loss like that it takes more time, or maybe I am just not ready to say goodbye. I sometimes get weird dreams that she is still alive, like earlier this month I dreamt she was still alive which was good, until the dream took a turn for the worse, and she died so I relived her death again. I will most likely write a lot this month because I really miss her this year.